What burn-out feels like
issue #65 A subjective view
Dread. The most present feeling that tells me it’s burn-out and not just tiredness is dread. I dread most things, but most of all, drawing, which is supposed to be the thing I love. And I do love it. The dread is not hatred - I still love art. I even get a little inspired sometimes. But when I start thinking “Oh maybe I should finish this board-” I freeze. I can’t even imagine sitting at the desk to open the software. I tell myself to do the minimum “just do one single panel!” but when it’s time to go do it, I still freeze. Freeze, as in, literally sitting where I am without moving until I give up on the task. It’s not anxiety or panic, I’m not a very anxious person. It’s a calm, peaceful dread.
I was almost not going to publish this, but I just read the post Emily Brundige made about her burnout and felt inspired to put mine out there too. We’re not alone, it seems (I know, surprising).
Burn-out feels like even the minimum is too overwhelming.
It feels like nothing is fun - nothing. Most things are neutral, some things are pleasant, but nothing is exciting. And it’s weird, because my brain still asks for the fun, it keeps throwing suggestions of things I could do now that could be fun. Movie, coloring book, game, sketching, taking a walk, writing, knitting. But when the time comes to take action, I freeze or loose interest. “Too boring. Too hard.” Or, sometimes, I get to actually do the thing - like a little sketch - and it just feels completely unrewarding. Utterly underwhelming.
It’s not sadness, it’s not despair - even if sometimes it feels like a small depression, it’s not. I know myself when I’m actually depressed. This feeling is different. It shares some symptoms, like the eternal boredom, but it feels less..agonizing. Depression makes everything feel pointless, burn-out is more cruel - everything still has a point and meaning, but I am physically unable to do it. I didn’t give up on my plans, they are right there in front of me, my beautiful plans. I just can’t reach them.
Guilt is always, always present. “Man, I rested for a week already..now it’s time to be productive again!” “Okay, let’s try it again! I gotta finish this” “Maybe now will work?” “Omg it’s been two weeks I need to get back to this” “Why can’t I just do it”.
Why can’t I just do it? Why do I have to freeze? It’s the dread.
The internet says “listen to your body” but what is the body actually doing? It’s dreading. It screams “No, don’t do that task! Omg don’t! It will feel exhausting. Don’t even try, really!”.
Burn-out feels exhausting - but not physically. My body is fine, I’m not extra sleepy or anything, but my brain is exhausted. There are days where any decision at all feels like dread. What to eat, which task to even try to tackle, workout, to wash or not to wash the dishes, motivating self-talk. God I’m tired of motivating myself. Should I play a game to have fun or watch a movie? Which one is more fun? Which one will make me rest better? How do I even rest?
Burn-out feels like a lot of questions I have no answer for. It feels like nothing you ever did was fun. What is fun? How do I have fun? Why does nothing I once did feel fun?
It also feels like impostor syndrome. Why am I burned-out, I don’t even work that hard? Other people are much crazier about work than me, I don’t have the right to be burned out. I have such a comfortable life, it’s literally lowkey perfect, why am I burned out? I think I’m too young to be burned out? And then I start gaslighting myself - “I’m sure it’s not actually burn-out, I’m probably just a bit stressed. It’s social media. Or the menstrual cycle. A little rest will do. I’m so overthinking this. It’s my fault anyway for taking on so many projects. I did this to myself.”
And, you know, I did. That’s the worst part. I don’t have a job that kills me - it’s just a job. Work for a company and their vision, instead of my own. So to feel better as an artist, I always have personal projects going on aside from work, and I treat them just as seriously. And that’s the problem, I suppose - I give myself multiple things to work on, because the one thing that pays me is the least fulfilling one. And now I’m burned out and have barely energy for the least fulfilling work. It’s my own fault.
I am a storyboard artist and I love drawing, but I took on a production side job that basically just requires me to fill out spreadsheets with information - and I’m super happy about it. Brainless work (that pays) feels like a vacation. No decisions, no drawing that requires incredible mental effort, no emotional involvement in the result. And that’s what made me realize I’m probably burned-out. When I told people that I was doing the spreadsheet job their first reaction was to pity me, which I am in turn surprised by. No need to pity me, it’s such a relaxing task! I’m so relieved! I’m getting paid for doing something brainless!
Burn-out feels unsatisfying. Intense emotions like anger and sadness at least have some weight to them, you can express them through screaming or crying, work-out to let out steam, listen to sad songs to really dwell in it. But mental exhaustion has no expression - I just exist in space and that’s all I can do. Just exist. It’s so annoying, I want to feel something, let it out. But it keeps coming back, the eternal boredom. Everything feels so..mechanical.
Responsibility feels impossible.
I am incredibly grateful to have a partner living with me. Most days are neutral enough for me to take care of basic necessities, but on the extra hard days, they’re there for support. They can cook and wash when it feels impossible, and they can hug and listen when it feels annoying and weird.
Because, man, it feels annoying! “When is it finally over?? It’s been two months, I need to do stuff! Life isn’t stopping! I want to feel fun again! How much longer do I need to rest?? My projects are waiting! I love my projects!” And so, the guilt continues to build.
Dread, guilt, overwhelm, boredom.
This is what it feels like in the middle of it. I can’t write about its resolution right now and make an actually useful post for you, dear reader, because I’m not out of it yet. I haven’t found the answers yet. Haven’t rested enough, or even figured out how to actually rest. But also no worry, I’m not like sad or anything. Like I said, mostly annoyed and guilty, and none of that is really dramatic.
It did lead me to a somewhat painful decision though - I will publish a WIP of my short film instead of having it pressure me further into burnout. All I want is to finish it and make it all pretty, but I need to accept that I can’t right now and don’t know when I will be able to. I feel like it’s unfair to all the people who helped me on the project to keep it hidden eternally, so in the next days I will be putting it on youtube. I’ll share it here when it’s up.
If you want to read about my short, check it out here.
Thank all for following along my messy art journey!
✦ Watching
Vox Machina, Witch Hat Atelier, Detective Conan, Something very bad is going to happen
✦ Reading
I’m re-reading The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Thanks for sharing. Everything said here sounds very familiar to me. Glad to know I'm not alone. 😊
Thank you for sharing this! Hope you'll give yourself the time and gentleness you need for this time